This One Word Actually Gets Through To Him When He Hurts Me

I used to get vulnerability wrong.

I thought it was about letting him know how I REALLY FELT.

Like, “tell me how you really feel!” type of thing. And guess what? He wouldn’t take it well at all. Why? Because I wasn't being vulnerable. He could see what I said for what it really was: criticizing and complaining (he's great at calling a spade a spade). It never got me what I wanted.

This kind of "being authentic" is easy. Anyone can do that. Vulnerability is different. It takes courage.

Now there’s only one word that I use to let my husband know he hurt me. It’s “ouch.” And there's only one time I let him know: in the moment. Right when it happens.

It sounds easy, but it actually takes a lot of courage and the reason is simple: I am admitting that he hurt me in a way that's so primal, my one year old understands it.

There's no back and forth, no arguing. That's my favorite thing about it.

And I get the dignified feeling of knowing that I honored myself and the hurt that I felt.

Fighting back can be tempting, but I've learned the hard way that it comes at a high price: a withdrawn husband and a yucky feeling inside of me that can last for hours or days.

Instead, when I say "ouch," he often responds with tenderness. It's like it wakes up his desire to protect me.

At first it was hard to remember to say "ouch" in the moment. I'd have a lot of what I like to call "rear view mirror wins." Those were times that I'd see an opportunity to say ouch too late.

Now I am happy and grateful to report that vulnerability has completely changed my marriage and all my relationships.

I feel so much more connected to people.

I love my life more.

As my teacher Laura says in her article about vulnerability, "Nothing could demonstrate that [he doesn't want to hurt me, he actually wants to love me] to me more than seeing how sweetly he responds when I don’t defend, but just let myself be utterly vulnerable. That’s when I feel most lavishly, intensely and thoroughly loved."