Eight Ways To A Better Relationship With Your Difficult Mother in Law

Wouldn't it be wonderful if mother in laws were always best friends?

Trusted advisors and spiritual mentors?

But sadly, many relationships are strained.

It can happen very quickly, because all relationships are either in a vicious or virtuous cycle at any given moment. That means one tiny comment or misunderstanding from either party can get the negativity spinning.

Our relationships are always either improving or the opposite. There is no middle ground. This because of biblical principles such as sowing and reaping and the power of our thought life. "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 23:7). If you are anything like me, you have a negative thought and then you are off and running judging yourself for having the thought. More on that below. 

But this is actually really good news.

It's good news because we as wives can also turn the dynamic around in one instant. By saying or doing something small. 

Any time we bring something like gratitude to the table, for example. Any time we intentionally forgive, root out bitterness, and intentionally choose to believe the best. 

When we have a cup full of honey, honey will spill out and sweeten everything around.

Bitterness will "corrupt many" (Hebrews 12:15).

But why would you do that? You may be saying: "You don't know her. My mother in law is legit toxic. She has _____ diagnosis."

So let's tackle that first.

Why Would You?

If your husband is anything like every husband I've ever met, it's a respect issue for him.

That's why.

It's not about her, it's about your desire to have an intimate, peaceful, connected marriage. That desire is God's desire too, and it is something you can deeply own with the Lord's help.  

Go ahead, ask Him for help in opening to a renewal of your mind right now. It's not a coincidence that you are reading this article.

Now that you have gotten in touch with your why and your Helper on this mission, let's look at how you can use some simple biblical principles to enjoy your relationship with her, and your husband, more.

Learn Where You End and Others Begin

As women, sometimes we can be so caring and nurturing that we lose ourselves. Why is this so important? 

It's important for being a respectful wife, especially in a sticky situation with your husband's mom.

Your husband does not want you in the middle of his relationship with his mom. Even if it seems like he does. It steps on his masculinity.

You can learn what is on your own paper, and what is not. This analogy begins with imagining you are in a math class. Each person has a math quiz in front of them. It is bad form to look at someone else's paper.

This means that your husband's relationship with his mom is his alone. He doesn't need any input from you on it. For more on staying on your own paper, check out my podcast. Every episode has actionable examples. 

Let Her Be His Mom

Do you ever find yourself feeling like you are in competition with his mom?

That's a red flag, but not for what you may think.

She is supposed to be his mom. You aren't.

Let her be his mom.

You be his lover. Don't do anything for him that he can do for himself. Flirt with him (email me at [email protected] for a free PDF on ways to flirt with your husband). 

Let her be the one to dote on him.

Catch his eye when she disrespects him by treating him like a child. He will feel like you deeply understand what he's going through. He will adore you for it!

Champion his ability to navigate his mom and field any difficulties she presents. 

Take Some Space

I remember the moment I heard someone else get coaching on this issue and realized this life changing truth: his family is here to see him, and our kids. Not me.

That means that in-laws have become synonymous with delight for me. I go to the coffee shop when they are here and have some delightful kid free time. 

Get In Touch With Your Desire

How do you want to show up when your in laws are around?

Here are some of mine:

• I want to be free to come and go, so I make food ahead.
• I want to be welcoming and considerate, so I have foods around they like.
• I want to be friendly, and I think about what to talk about.
• I want my house to be clean, so I embrace minimalism so that's easy (more on housework).
• I want to enjoy my time with them, so I prioritize that over whether my boys eat too many cookies, break rules, watch too much TV, etc.

I invite you to get really specific about this! Pull out your journal and write out your vision for your time with your mother in law.

Think the Good, See the Good, Speak the Good

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things (Phillippians 4:8).

Our brains will naturally accumulate evidence about whatever it is that we believe. 

Did you know if you believe things intentionally, you start to accumulate evidence that they are true?

Example:

Circumstance: Your mother in law tells you that she does not agree with my parenting style.

Thought that I am intentionally choosing to believe: She loves us and is trying to help.

Feelings that this thought produces: Gratitude

Actions: I can respond with gratitude instead of getting defensive

Result: She does not need to defend her position, and offers less unsolicited input. 

Think Ahead About How You Will Handle Hot Spots

When someone expresses their opinion, especially about your life, there's a powerful temptation to offer your opinion back to set them straight.

But when we step back and look at things objectively, we can see that's how arguments start.

So what else can you do to honor yourself?

This comes up quite a bit in my life! Here's what I do:

I look for their heart message. For example, my mom offers her unsolicited opinion a lot. It used to land as "she doesn't think I'm a good mom." Once I start looking for the heart message, I can see her deeper meaning is actually "she cares about me and my kids a lot."

Get clear on whose opinion you care about on what topics. On parenting, I care about my husband's opinion. On my business, it's just between me and the Holy Spirit, even though I have many people advising me and speaking life into me on both my business and parenting. My mom isn't one of those trusted advisors. I graciously receive her care, actively listen and respond graciously, and then move the conversation along to another topic.

If a line is being crossed and I don't feel safe, I say "ouch," leave the room and take space. I put my hand on my chest to calm my nervous system and remind myself I always have my own back. I ask myself "how do I feel and what to I want?" to get myself off of my mom's paper and back onto my own.

Borrow His Brain

You can also borrow your husband's brain on how to handle specific issues. Just make sure you go into the conversation with an open mind, not assuming you know what he will say. When we learn "husband language" we will get an entirely different response that we are used to. Also make sure you are ready to fully take in what he has to say without offering your opinion. I love to have the phrases "I would love" and "I hear you" at the ready. Instead of offering my opinion which will start an argument, I love to leave the strategy in his hands, and offer my desire by saying "I would love."

Here's an example:

Me: (Really stretching into vulnerability, which feels scary because it is running toward what I normally run away from) I notice that I am worried about your mom's visit. No matter how clean the house is, I never feel like it measures up. 

Him: (wraps me in his arms) That's not what matters, love.

Me: (Receiving his love fully, pause and enjoy for a few minutes, then) Still, I'd at least love the floor to be clean before she arrives.

Him: I'll help you with that now

If he reacts negatively, that's helpful information. It means that there is a respect issue in your relationship that needs to be addressed before you really thrive as a team.

If you read this article and still can't see how to move the needle in your particular situation, I'd love to invite you to one of my free coaching opportunities. I have a free conference call coming up with free marriage coaching. Details are below.