Making Peace With Housework

My relationship with housework was anything but peaceful in my first marriage. I exhausted myself keeping score. Having expectations led to constant disappointment and resentment. The lie that housework needed to be divided equally created constant discontentment, striving and competition. I was always feeling unappreciated and like he wasn't doing enough...no matter what he did, and because he couldn't figure out how to please me, and acknowledging me was just a bottomless pit, he stopped trying. Meanwhile our house was a mess, along with our finances and just about every other aspect of our lives.

In my current marriage I was still initially confused by bad mental habits laid down over the years. Building a practice of doing things each day that bring me delight, while living my life on the solid bedrock of giving my life to Jesus changed that. That's why when women ask about housework challenges, I always want to start by asking about their self care. While it is tempting to skip this step, it is essential. I've found self care actually expands my time. When I'm filled to overflowing, I float through my chores. 

That means sometimes, the house is messy while I do something that brings me delight, like going to the beach with my three young boys.

These days, when I wake up, I am excited to get out of bed because matter what little messes may lurk from the night before, I always walk right by them to the special corner of my couch where my study Bible and my prayer notebook live. The only exception is while the water boiler is heating the water for my delicious pour over, I empty the dishwasher. I love this ritual because it sets me up for success for the day.

As tempting as it may be to do one more thing, when that delicious pour over is made I walk by those little messes on my way to my time with the Lord. My one year old, three year old, and five year old are accustomed to me reading the Bible at this time. When they ask me how much longer it will be, I have them look in my coffee cup to see how much coffee is left. When my coffee is all gone, I get out my guitar and quickly belt out two or three worship songs. This joy in the morning sources me for the entire day! I feel like I have Someone helping me...because I do! Giving my life to a God who orders my steps (Psalm 119) means that I am coming more and more into alignment with order itself. I receive this graciously with praise and thanksgiving! All glory be to God that I've started to have a reasonably clean home most of the time, and peace when I don't.

That's the most important part right there! Still, I have a few tips to share from my experience as a mom of five about how I made peace with my home.

I tap into my desires. Desires are very sourcing. They literally give me energy (in contrast to "shoulds," which drain my energy). For example, I want to reduce overstimulation. Since kids don't come with volume knobs, I clear my counters instead. I love my new home and from that gratitude, I want to honor it by keeping it clean and clutter free. I desire a good smelling home. I desire to do everything for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:23-33)

I let things go. Since I desire clear surfaces and a clutter free home makes me happy, I love The Minimal Mom for encouraging me to give myself grace through the trial and error of incorporating new purchases which I then don't love. I forgive myself and let them go. This means I can clean the main level of the house relatively quickly. I use her system of having very minimal clothes for each child stored in bins.

I take the pressure off. I stop making little messes mean that I'm not a good wife. Instead, I affirm myself with the phrase "I am a gifted homemaker" and gather evidence that this is true. This is a gratitude practice of focusing on the good (see Philippians 4:8).

What do you tell yourself about your homemaking? If it's negative, how could you flip it into something positive?

I give myself permission to do one thing at a time. Like a good triage nurse, I pick the one most important thing and do that with my full heart. Then I turn to the next right thing.

I have a healthy fear of dishes and laundry. If they can't be kept up with, the amount of clothes is reduced or paper plates are used. The clothes in our home are very minimal and laundry is completed and put away daily. 

I make it a game. I often dramatize housework in my mind by starting at one end of the house and "taking territory."

I make it worship. I listen to sermons or worship music and count housework as time with God.

I receive tactical support. My husband carries the mental load of my household. That means if my childlike, simple strategies aren't working I turn to him in vulnerability and humility, revealing my overwhelm and asking him for strategic advice.

I receive help graciously. It is pride and control that would make me refuse help. Instead, I am open and receive help graciously, even when things get put back in the wrong places. I make a practice of keeping silent (Laura Doyle calls it using duct tape) when the old me would have corrected how someone is doing something. I just smile and receive help with a "thank you." Miraculously, more and more help keeps being given because everyone loves that gracious response.

 What are your housekeeping tips? How do you keep your mind right when it comes to housework? I'd love to hear from you inside our Free Facebook Community!