Keeping Score Is Killing Your Marriage

Every day, I hear women keeping score in their favor:

• “He never does anything around here.”
• “He is taking that hunting trip again for two weeks? I don’t take trips that long!”

And keeping score in their husband’s favor:

• “He works, so I feel guilty being a SAHM”
• “He works out, so I feel self conscious about my body.”

I get it because I used to do this too.

And in both directions, Jesse experienced it as deep disrespect.

And the saddest part? I was drastically underestimating his heart.

When I stopped keeping score, I got to see that he uses my happiness as his scorecard. That’s the only score he’s keeping, the one that tells him if he’s a successful husband.

Of course, that’s not how it felt at all before I found the Six Intimacy Skills™. He seemed to only care about his phone and his video games.

Turns out he was withdrawn because of that deep disrespect I mentioned earlier. 

I didn’t think I was being disrespectful; in fact, I was on board with letting him lead.

Sadly he felt he couldn’t do anything right so he might as well not try.

I often see women posting about how much or little their husbands do around the house and with the kids.

I can so relate because I used to keep score, and thought it was a path to happiness.

If we could just get that perfect balance of responsibility…

Good news: there is a better way!

When I stopped keeping score, and started respecting, accepting and appreciating him exactly as he is, he became motivated to step up in amazing ways. He also became even more of the spiritual leader I wanted when I got married!

Just like Philippians 4:8 says, I started to focus on and speak life into the good.

I used to believe that “my husband is always looking at his phone.” And I had PLENTY of evidence.

But when I started to choose my focus wisely, I started to see all the times he wasn’t looking at his phone. I spoke life into that. I said “you are such a present dad.”

Years later, he almost never takes out his phone when our kids are around. Turns out, choosing your focus wisely is powerful.

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

It turned out it worked the opposite of what I thought and what the world says.

It works so well that it just has to be God’s plan. Well, I started to see it all over scripture. God’s word opened up to me in new ways.

But what about the mental load of being a mom?

Mental load doesn’t have to be the same thing as amount of work.

It’s a huge mental burden in itself to keep score of who is doing more of what. The skills helped me see that’s not who I want to be.

Mental load can be released instantly by trusting your husband to make the decisions and run the finances. It all starts with these three little words: “whatever you think.”

The lie that everything needs to be done 50/50 breeds discontent and competition.

Let’s be real: any time you keep track of who’s doing more, you are competing so hard you might as well be playing football.

I used to do this when my now four year old was a baby. I thought I was a victim because my husband is a deep sleeper and simply needs more sleep than I do.

The irony is that he didn’t even know what the score was! He just wanted to make me happy. But I was too busy being negative to let him know how to do that. Plus the sad truth is that I did not know what I wanted myself. That all changed when I found the skills. Now neither of us keep score. We both give 1000% and never look back! And my load just keeps getting lighter!

Maybe it sounds too good to be true, but after seeing the same approach work miracles in hundreds of other women’s lives, I can tell you this approach always works.

I’m so passionate about this approach that I became a Certified Laura Doyle Relationship Coach to help women get the same results I did!

If you could use some help enjoying your marriage, I’m here for you. It all starts with one conversation. We will talk about your marriage and current struggles, and where you’d really like to be - and I’ll share the blind spots and areas to focus that I see. The impact of having space and time to talk to an expert about your marriage is immense, regardless of whether we choose to work together further or not. You in? Simply click here to set up your call.